One track mind

CW: suicidal ideation; suicide

I don’t usually do content warnings, but felt like it this morning. Things are getting worse. Almost all I can think about is suicide – ways to do it, the most painless quick way to go, how my mother did it, etc. I think about if I fail… will someone bring the right clothing bag to the hospital. Will the hospital help me?

My mind won’t let me release these thoughts. I’m slow. I’m experiencing psychomotor retardation and find it very difficult to not be in bed most of the day. No one in this building checks in. The last time someone did, I told her I was struggling. That’s about all I felt comfortable saying.

By the way, I wouldn’t even know I was experiencing psychomotor retardation if it hadn’t been written in doctors’ notes. I do notice people interrupting me a lot and thinking just because they can make me laugh about one thing that I’m OK.

I think that ths blog is helping me a bit. It’s not making me “all better,” but it’s letting me speak to a crowd that may understand. I have until Thursday to wait for my meeting with my psychiatrist. She may want me hospitalized, if I am honest with her. In that case, I’ll request that she call ahead and put a good word in for me, so I’m not interrogated so harshly during the psych eval.

It pisses me off that people assume you’re of low intelligence just because you speak and process slowly. It’s also been noted that I have a flat affect. I think that makes sense. I cannot imagine one speaking slow and having a bubbly affect, for example.

I may try to write more later, or on my writing site. Just to stay out of bed. Give me a purpose that doesn’t require a lot of energy.

Until then…

Just feeling pissed off

The overturning of Roe v. Wade pissed off a lot of people, including myself. But I’m also still feeling like I need the hospital, on the first day of my period, and my therapist never called me back yesterday, even though she had all day to do so. I didn’t even want to get out of bed today, for those reasons and more. Oh, I also contacted my therapist’s supervisor, and she didn’t answer me either.

So, where will this end? We need to fight for human rights. I need to fight just to stay vertical. And I will be fighting for a speedy decision on a new therapist, not one that takes months. There’s no reason to consistently ignore my messages. It’s not even as if my messages are excessive.

I don’t even want to go outside today, but I think maybe I must. I will have to go over that. It’s in the 90s all weekend.

Yesterday, the manager of this particular housing (not C) called me and checked in to see how I was doing. I told her I was struggling a bit. When she called, I was already in bed. I told her that I felt my Rehab Coach was pushing me a little too much. For example, the day I got out of the hospital, she was already talking about me getting a dog in a few weeks and going out places, and this and that. She doesn’t seem to understand my particular mental illness.

Anyway, more later.

Feeling like they let me out of the hospital too early

I don’t feel ready for the real world right now. Back on the day I was discharged, I told the social worker that I thought I could stay a little longer and it would be good for me. But she said they already had the discharge paperwork ready, etc. Perhaps I should’ve insisted on staying.

I’m just so depressed these days and have little to no social interaction. I’m too low energy to put myself out there to get social time. I keep thinking back about the friends I’ve had in the past, and it seems some have just given up on me. Since I’ve moved back to the area, about six months ago, no one has wanted to hang out. Plus, my best friend effectively ghosted me. I can’t remember if she warned me she might be away for awhile or not. So, ghosting may not be the issue.

On a happier note, there was and always is (because he’s worked there for so long) a piece of eye candy at the hospital. LOL That such a weird way to put it. I reallly like him, but I think he may be gay (notice a pattern?). We got to chat a little, as he walked me out to my cab and we had to wait for a few minutes before it arrived. Even if he is gay, I’d love to just be friends with him. I always end up wanting to be friends with those I meet in these type of situations, and it usually is somehow not allowed.

I’m so desperate to do what the people here want of me, but I have to remember to keep my boundaries, as tight as they may seem. For example, I don’t know if I’m ready for a dog just yet, but my Rehab Coach wants me to get one, ASAP. And she’s quite pushy about it, even though I don’t think I can even afford an animal like that right now.

I may be due some disability back pay, but it is going to take some time to find out exactly how much I get (or, don’t get).

Fingers crossed I can manage to stay in “the real world” for a lot longer.

Until next time…

No one is All good or All bad

It’s something I should’ve mentioned that I’m aware of in my last post. There are obviously “good” reasons I was with my ex. He’s funny, smart, caring (sometimes), and more. But that, for myself, wasn’t enough due to the “bad” stuff that occurred.

Anyway, I woke up extremely early this morning. I listened to some classical music and made coffee that was too strong (fixed that). I also did a little reading on Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD), which I wasn’t as familiar with as the cluster B personality disorders, for example. Well, it seems fitting, but it’s just yet another label. However, now I’ll shop at 6 in the morning, like I often do, and wonder if there are other Avoidants doing the same.

I may go to a free music show tonight, if it doesn’t rain all day and night. It’ll be difficult for me, but I’ve been wanting to go, as they happen every Thursday evening.

Finally, I’ve changed the colors of my blog to make it more readable. I’m going to try to change more and add more to it, as well.

Until next time…

An interesting conversation

Just now, I had a conversation with my ex and he mentioned that he read one of my blog entries about me sometimes thinking we’d be better off together (or something like that). He said he spoke with a woman about it, and she asked what he saw in me. He said whatever it is that he sees in me (not that he would tell me), and she supposedly said, “That’s not enough.”

Who the heck is to say what’s “enough.” Sounds kind of cocky to me. But in actual fact, I cannot be with him right now. There was just too much name-calling towards me and other stuff that really got to me. I already feel self-conscious, so I don’t need someone likening me to a pig or walrus, if you know what I mean.

Someday, all of the people who’ve judged me for my weight will have to take back what they said. I’m losing weight, slowly but surely. For myself. Ideally, I’d meet a partner who loved me for how I am NOW. There’s so much to think about when it comes to relationships.

I’m currently listening to Erik Satie, and will share it in the link below.

“I have never written a note I didn’t mean.”
― Erik Satie

The hospital MDs diagnose differently

I just logged in to the patient portal for my local hospital’s health system. It was interesting. My diagnoses are as follows:

Current Conditions
Atypical depressive disorder
Autism spectrum disorder
Avoidant personality disorder in adult
Binge eating disorder
Bipolar 2 disorder
Bipolar disorder
PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder)
Suicidal ideation
Holy schmidt, that’s a long list

I was totally unaware of Avoidant Personality Disorder. So, now I’m an Avoidant. Great! No surprise, though. I was surprised that schizoaffective disorder wasn’t listed, but not upset, for obvious reasons.

My therapist still hasn’t sent me a Zoom link, and our appointment is in approximately one hour.

I will be firing my therapist, as they say, if this time she flakes out again… unless there’s a damn good reason!

I have to run for now, but may write more later.

Back from the hospital

I had a non-epileptic seizure last Saturday morning that really scared me. So, that, along with other symptoms and my worsening depression, brought me to the Emergency Room (ER). They tested me for Lyme Disease since I had a tick bite about a month ago, and gave me a psychiatric evaluation.

After nine hours in the ER, I was admitted into the psych ward. I’ve been there several times in the past, so it wasn’t new to me. I saw many familiar faces, aside from the other patients. One woman did actually remember me from when I was in the state hospital.

It was a short stay, and I feel good to be home now. I cleaned as soon as I got in. I was supposed to have a Zoom appointment with my therapist, but she double-booked and chose to see the in-person client. I’m having a Zoom meeting with her tomorrow, but I can’t say I’m thrilled.

Anyway, I’ll probably write more about my experience, later, but wanted to check in.

Wishing I had answers

Sometimes I wish there would be something shown to be wrong, just so I could fix it. With medication, or whatever. I hate this mystery. Why am I struggling to wake up, four or five hours after I typically do? Why am I having this feeling as if I’m just floating about through life? And a few other weird symptoms that I don’t need to mention.

On Monday, or it may have to be Tuesday due to the observance of Juneteenth, I am going to call my primary care provider and see if she’ll test my blood. And I will make sure Lyme Disease is included in that test because I did find a tick on my neck one morning, a little over a month ago.

In one note I wrote to C, I may have come across as being a braggart. I didn’t mean it to be that way, as I was simply trying to bridge the gap between him (a professional) and me (a person with a mental illness on disability). I may also have been trying to impress him, a little bit. But now I feel like I may have gone too far.

I had a long chat with my ex this morning. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if we got back together – and then, I know in my heart it wouldn’t be good. I just miss being … not alone. Don’t get me wrong, I need my alone time, as an introvert, but not every day, all day.

I keep having dreams that I am getting ready to go to the hospital and that I really, really need to go. This is especially when I am half awake, trying to lift myself out of bed five hours later than usual. I can’t help but feel like the hospital is inevitable, as much as I try to fight it. Could be soon, could be in a few weeks. If things don’t change, it’s happening, again. I’m so tired of the hospital routine. Especially since I have to go through the Emergency Room (ER) first.

This morning, I had the worst avocado I’ve ever had in my life. If I had the energy, I’d go to the store and file a complaint. It was brown, as if overripe, yet nearly crunchy and dry. I take pride in my ability to know when it’s time to cut open an avocado, and this really disappointed me.

I’d like to write something today, creatively, that is. A poem, a piece of flash fiction, etc. I enjoy prompts when I need them. Or, even when I don’t need them, they’re fun.

Until next time …

Where’s the Romance?

I’d like to meet someone who’s romantic. Like the Beatles song I’ve been listening to these days. It reminds me of my mother, as any song by The Beatles would, but it also reminds me of romance and joyful love.

I’ve Just Seen a Face by The Beatles

I need some input, if at all possible? Would you find it concerning if you both wrote and called your therapist and they completely ignored it? I was in a really bad place yesterday, and I just find it upsetting that I can’t rely on my therapist to even check in. She says to call her if I ever need anything or write. So, I don’t understand.

Anyway, I want a romantic partner. Preferably C, but we’ve established that is “inappropriate,” which is a word I hate. I also dislike the word “appropriate.” Who’s to decide what is and isn’t appropriate?

So satisfying – I just made myself coffee and it turned out the perfect strength. The worst is when it turns out too weak. You can’t easily fix that.

Speaking of C, he said it may take him up to two weeks to write back to an email I send. Well, it’s getting there. Do I give up? He’s a busy person, but there was something about the way he told me, “Just know, your email will be the last I read,” that really irked me and hurt my feelings. THE VERY LAST? REALLY? It made me feel really mentally ill and like he was somehow above me as a human being.

But I’m not one to give up.

Sometimes I think that’s unfortunate, and that sometimes you just need to give up. What do you think?

Feeling a bit low

I was so happy to receive my injection properly yesterday. However, it wasn’t a quick cure. I think it may take a few days to get back to normal. For now, I feel a bit low. I wrote a short story this morning, which I published here, as well as my writing site.

A storm woke me up at about 4 am. I jumped out of bed. I’ve always been scared of lightning, but became even more fearful after I learned that a woman I know had it actually strike through her window.

We’re supposed to have severe storms later today. In some surrounding areas, possibly tornadoes.

I may write more later. Just can’t think straight right now.