Just Tired

I received my antipsychotic injection of Aristada the other day, and I’ve just been tired since. I am not sure if it did that to me, if it’s the thought of it, or both. I’ve wanted to write, but thought it would be boring to just write that I’m tired.

We have a snow day today. A snow storm, rather. It hasn’t stuck to the roads much yet, but I’m sure it will eventually.

I managed to do some grocery shopping this morning. I tried to do the low carb thing, but ended up buying crumpets, raisin sunflower bread, spaghetti, and probably more “no-nos”, LOL That’s what happens when you go shopping on an empty stomach.

I’ve really missed catching up here, and will do that now.

Until next time when I have more to say and more energy. xo

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Big Changes Ahead

I’ve had almost no energy or spoons to write lately. Fortunately, my psychiatrist put me back on a medication that is not a stimulant, but gives me a bit of energy. I took it kind of late in the day yesterday, so I ended up having a little more trouble sleeping. Oddly, that was quite refreshing because lately I’ve been sleeping more hours than not, night and day.

My psychiatrist also conviced me to take an Aristada injection every two months, instead of having to go in every month. It seems about the same as the Maintena in a lot of ways, except it’s not used for other conditions – just Schizophrenia.

I came out as nonbinary to a couple of friends who I thought I could trust the other day. One reaction was very compassionate, accepting, and loving. The other was quite the opposite and he even taunted me by calling me “WOMAN,” as some kind of sick joke, before I even had my coffee this morning. So, I obviously don’t have a friend or supporter in him.

I feel pretty good, so far today. The med I took kicks in, energy-wise, just about immediately, and that’s what I really needed.

Maybe more later, if I can think of more to write!

Did I tell you I stopped Abilify?

I’ve been on Abilify tablets, and then Abilify Maintena, and during that time (the last seven years), I have gained 145 lbs! My new prescriber, a Nurse Practitioner, told me that Abilify cannot make you gain weight. That is absolutely incorrect. Even according to my old psychiatrist, and other professionals I’ve spoken with, not to mention the countless stories on the web.

There is also a warning that Abilify can cause compulsive behaviors, such as gambling, sex, and – guess what – overeating! I developed Binge Eating Disorder during my time on Abilify.

So, finally, I refused to get my last injection and I won’t be going on this drug again. It has decreased my quality-of-life like you can’t even imagine. Sure, some people can go on it and probably do just fine. But I already have polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), which makes it easier to gain weight and more difficult to take off, so why keep adding to the problem?

It really feels good to be putting my foot down and taking some control of my health.

Other than that, I have been feeling under-energized lately. I was told that this can happen weeks after you’re over having COVID.

My diagnosis from the Neurologist

I saw my Neurologist on Valentine’s Day for a date to learn of my diagnosis. She says I have Functional Neurological Disorder (FND)/Psychologic Conversion Disorder, and says my “seizures” are most likely caused by some traumas I’ve had in life. She said this is the case with many people with the diagnosis. Not only can FND cause seizures, but some people experience paralysis, blindness, deafness, and more! Wow.

She gave me a pamphlet to share with my therapist because most people aren’t well-education on the condition, and said only therapies, such as CBT will help, as there is no medication for it.

And finally, I have put my foot down and said I will no longer receive my Abilify injection. My new NP says it can’t make you gain weight. What absolute rubbish. It’s no coincidence that I’ve gained over 100 lbs since being put on it, seven years ago.

My new camera came in the mail, but the lens hasn’t arrived yet, which is a bit frustrating. I can’t wait to use it!

How is everyone?

A very crappy day

I’m typically more optimistic, but today has been very rough on me. I almost went to the hospital again, but I am afraid to be admitted because they may send me to the state because I’ve been to the acute ward so many times. They’ve sent me there before, and it was like a prison. I had a room next to someone with Antisocial Personality Disorder (a self-proclaimed sociopath) and she would spit on me every chance she got.

So, I’ve decided to stay with my very dark thoughts and rest at home. As much as I can with everything racing through my mind.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my mother and how she made sure I was there when she took her life, and how she was sorry she “fucked me up.” I’ve been thinking about how much this bleeds into my friendships – the few I have – and how I can’t seem to keep close friends because I am probably looking for some kind of parental figure in them. Like, I am 44 and literally wish to be adopted.

My apartment is a mess. It feels overwhelming and I am supposed to have an inspection tomorrow morning. I may ask for a one day extension on that.

Hopefully, the next time I blog, things will look brighter.

Friday Freakshow

I wasn’t sure what to write about, so I decided to make a list of things I consider “freaky” about myself. The word is a little bit vague, I think, but it went well with “Friday,” so we’ll just have to deal with it. 😉

• I rarely wash my coffee pot
• I have a little red dot on my hairline, and I’m not sure whether it’s a freckle, a mole, or what.
• I tend to be messy, but I keep my place immaculate much of the time because I get inspected bi-weekly.
• I think pink and red go well together.
• I’m one of those “cheatin’ vegans” because sometimes I eat a trace of dairy or egg, especially if it’s in a cake or something simuilar.
• The podiatrist I see says I have flat feet.
• I like the show Strangers with Candy. Enough said.
• I’m obsessed with Alice in Wonderland, and I think it may qualify as my autistic “special interest.”
• I mostly fall for straight women, which is a freaking curse.
• I probably blow my nose at least a trillion times per day. 😉
• I can curl my tongue.
• I’m very outgoing with the written word, but actually quite reserved in person.
• I put nutritional yeast on the majority of my savoury meals.
• I can still remember how to recite the United States in alphabetical order.
• I need fresh air, daily. So, even when I’m stuck inside, I have to crack open a window, even if it’s very cold outside. If even for a minute.
• I make my own sensory bottles. And I have a bunch of fidget toys available for myself. Or, visitors.
• I wasn’t totally and officially diagnosed with autism until I was 37.
• People describe me as “laid back,” but I actually don’t usually feel that way; I feel neurotic, all too often.
• I don’t really know the color of my eyes. They’re either green, hazel, or somewhere in between.
• I’m missing my back bottom teeth due to excessive grinding and issues with PTSD and medications. I need partials, but I’m a bit scared they’ll hurt.
• My two front, top teeth are crowns because I chipped them on a ginger snap a few years ago. I really miss the way my natural teeth looked.
• I’ve been diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar Type for many years now.
• My auditory hallucinations are usually just my name being called, or what sounds like people chattering in a crowded cafeteria.
• My visual hallucinations are typically shadows.
• My hair grows quite fast
• I don’t like the way jeans feel when I wear them, so I rarely do unless it’s close to laundry day.
• I grew up going to a Baptist church, but I am now Tibetan Buddhist.
• I have amnesia.
• I’ve had ECT, several rounds, which is probably a bit why I have amnesia.
• I’ve been hospitalized dozens of times.
• I find it difficult to make friends, but have many acquaintances.

Well, I’m sure there’s more. Feel free to write your own Freaky Friday post, as I’d love to read it.

Am I just too much?

I ask myself this question a lot. I think it’s hard for me to maintain friendships because I want to be too close or something. The other person is often emotionally unavailable in some way, and I am just jumping for joy at anything they throw my way, if anything. This is anyone I wish to become close with, of course, and not people who seem to flock to me who have nothing in common with me… if any of this even makes sense.

Sometimes I just want to chat, even on the Internet and not necessarily on the phone. There are few people with whom I want to speak on the phone. But when I do, I really do.

I cried myself to sleep earlier. I wouldn’t typically be sleeping so much, but being quarantined and having an illness will do that to you. I pitied myself to sleep about why I seem to lose everyone close to me.

It’s so effing hard to try to quit alcohol, vaping, and eating too much all at once. However, I must. It’s certainly a trial for me.

I just slapped on a nicotine patch and put a piece of cinnamon nicotine gum in my mouth to chew, and I seem to be calming down a bit.

Thank you for listening. xo

Speaking of COVID…

I took two COVID tests today and tested positive. I’ve been feeling like I have no energy and sick for almost a week now, but didn’t think I had it because I tested negative when I was in the hospital about a week ago. So, it’s time to quarantine for a few days.

My dear friend also has COVID, but I think she’s feeling much worse than myself. I’m still on Facebook, looking at funny reels, memes, and stuff. However, I went to bed so early yesterday and slept quite a while, so I’m not in complete denial.

Seeing a new therapist

Yesterday I saw my new therapist, Pam. She seems very nice and laid back. She was also very well-informed and asked me a lot of questions. One thing she asked me was for the names and numbers of my emotional supports. It was difficult for me to think of many people to list. It did make me a bit uncomfortable that she asked for their numbers. I didn’t have their numbers on me, as I left my phone in the car by mistake. But I don’t know if I would’ve wanted to give them to her anyway. Isn’t my emergency contact enough?

I’ve had a cold lately, so my energy has been low. I was so exhausted from appointments yesterday that I ended up going to bed at 4 p.m.! I woke up at about 3 a.m. and had coffee, made some cucumber melon juice, ate breakfast a couple of hours later, etc.

I’m really worried about my friend’s wellbeing. She has covid and it’s been about 24 hours since I’ve even seen a hint of her online, which is very rare. I recited a Buddhist Medicine Prayer for her, and will continue to do so.

The above is a photo of my juice. I put in one cucumber, a quarter of a cantaloupe. a handful of spinach, and a splash of lime. Not only did I like the taste, but my apartment smells great!

I finally heard something from her

I feel like such a fool. I hadn’t heard from my friend in a while because she’s been sick and feels miserable. She has covid. She is such a sweet person, and I am praying for her. I did a medicine prayer last night, and I sent it to her, too.

Today I see my new therapist. I am excited and nervous at once. I have a good feeling about it, though. I think what the director said about her being WILLING and able says a lot. My other therapist wasn’t so much.

More later on how it goes.